I was 15 when my mom was diagnosed with breast cancer. What did I know about cancer then? Not much. I knew that cancer sucked and I knew that it was serious. I knew it meant bald heads, bad times and big needles full of chemicals that would be injected into my mom and make her sick. What do I know now? Find out in this post dedicated to any teenager with a parent diagnosed with cancer.
Posts tagged ‘advice’
Experienced nutritionist working with cancer patients, Diane Nicolas, shares her invaluable insight on how nutrition relates to patients' health. Read our interview with her addressing several common misconceptions regarding certain foods' relationship to cancer here:
In the past two years since One Wig Stand took off, we’ve had the opportunity to meet and talk to plenty of breast cancer survivors across the region. There’s a lot to learn from these strong women who continue to serve as our key driver to keep spreading awareness and providing support.
Some lessons we’ve learned, and that can truly be applied to any woman, include:
1. Know your body. Nothing can be more essential to your general well-being than listening to your body and any warning signs it gives you. That’s why medical professionals always advocate self-check exams (and we cannot stress its importance enough). At the end of the day, no matter what anyone tells you, only you can truly know if something is wrong so don’t be ashamed to get to know your body a little bit better. It’s amazing how perceptive our bodies can be.
2. Well-being is a lifestyle. A lot of the survivors we’ve met have opted for healthier lifestyles post-treatment including starting vegetarian diets, doing more physical exercise (yoga is a favorite) and removing all negative habits from their daily routines. That’s not to say that it will 100% guarantee you won’t develop cancer in the future as sometimes it’s genetic and exterior factors play a role, but nevertheless, a healthy lifestyle is always a bonus for your general well-being.
3. Eliminate stress and learn how to say “no”. Oftentimes it takes a drastic experience to realize that you’re under a lot of pressure and that you’re harboring unnecessary stress. We’ve heard time and time again how post-cancer, a lot of these women learned to listen to their inner selves better and be a bit more selfish in the most positive of ways. When you’re a hard-working mom, dedicated to your family or balancing a job, it’s easy to cave in to others’ needs above yours but you need to give yourself a break every now and then. Things that are obviously making you feel stressed and wearing your out can’t be healthy. Find a way to resolve it by either learning a more healthy way to adapt (meditation perhaps) or eliminating it altogether. Saying “no” can be the most freeing feeling in the world so don’t be afraid to say it when you know you should.
4. Prioritize. Another lesson we’ve also learned is the importance of prioritizing. Unfortunately, you only really learn the value of your family and friends during such trying periods, but you don’t need to go through that to realize that they should be getting more priority in your life. Give them their due attention and loving. Is it really necessary to work until midnight each night? We doubt it. Make time for the ones that love you most and use lesson #3 as a good incentive to say “no” when it conflicts with your true priorities.
5. Talk it out. We harbor alot of feelings inside ourselves and don’t let it out enough. Be honest with yourself and with others. Especially when it comes to breast cancer treatment, being able to voice what it is you feel with others is in itself a positive therapy. Taken into anyone’s life, the lesson here is communicate, communicate, communicate! If it’s something you’re feeling, chances are someone else is feeling or has felt something similar. This has encouraged me to always be honest and direct (in a constructive way of course) rather than build resentment or lie to myself.
6. Live more. Personally, this was something I came to realize through my loved one’s experience. I noticed a refreshing change in her attitude to life after her treatment. She wanted to pursue more diverse activities that interested her and travel more. It’s inspired me to this day to always keep my heart close to my life’s ambitions. Nothing makes you realize how valuable life is until you’re faced with such a life-threatening experience – whether directly or indirectly. If you’ve always wanted to do something, stop waiting and just go for it!
Do you have any lessons you’ve learned from an inspirational breast cancer survivor in your life? Please share with us and spread the love.
A few weeks ago, we came across Katie’s personal breast cancer blog, cleverly entitled”The Bald and The Beautiful” on the Canadian breast cancer blogging platform Facing Cancer Together. Her light-hearted and descriptive writing style takes us along with her on the journey of recovery. Part of the healing process for many survivors is putting it in writing, and reading her blog you know she’s not holding back. We took a few minutes to interview Katie to find out more about her story:
1. How did you find out that you had breast cancer?
I found a lump in my right breast. It was the size of a golf ball and I could not only feel it, but also see it when I took off my bra. I told my family doctor about it when I went for my yearly physical and she ordered an ultrasound, which showed no reason for concern. A follow-up appointment was booked three months later when another ultrasound was done. At the follow-up appointment, I also had a mammogram and it was the mammogram that showed reason for concern. I had a biopsy 13 days later and 11 days after that I was diagnosed with stage 2 breast cancer.
2. What was your first thought upon hearing the diagnosis?
My very first thought was one of disbelief. I didn’t think you could get breast cancer at 26 with no family history of it so to be honest, I wasn’t shocked – I just really didn’t believe it. I guess that was followed by numbness; it took a while to set in that I actually had cancer. Actually, I’m not sure if it ever really set in. It still, to this day, feels like I’m lying when I say “I’ve had cancer.” I also felt embarrassed in the very beginning, even though I had no control over what was growing in my body. I felt embarrassed and didn’t want anyone to know in the first couple of weeks.
3. What was treatment like?
Chemo is just a word until you’re the one who’s about to go through it. The night before my first treatment, I was so overwhelmed with the ‘unknowns’ that I was about to face but the nurses made me feel comfortable as soon as I walked into the cancer centre. Everyone reacts differently so I was aware of what MIGHT happen but no one could tell me for sure how I would react.
“I just kept thinking, if I feel this bad, imagine how the cancer must be feeling.”
I had 6 chemo treatments and I reacted differently to each one of them. There were days when I was throwing up and other days when I wasn’t. There were days when I needed to have three or four naps throughout the day and there were days when I was awake from morning to night. I just kept thinking, if I feel this bad, imagine how the cancer must be feeling. Treatment is awful but they know it works and if chemo was what was going to kill any cancer left inside of my body then sign me up.
4. Is breast cancer genetic in your family? If not, how were doctors able to explain why you were diagnosed with it at such a young age?
Breast cancer is not genetic in my family. My tumour was removed and then tested for three things (the same three things that all breast cancer tissue is tested for); estrogen, progesterone, and Her-2. My tumour ended up being estrogen positive, meaning it was estrogen that was causing my tumour to grow. I am currently on a drug called Tamoxifen which is a form of hormone replacement therapy that I started after chemo ended and I will need to take it for the next five years.
The ‘why’ of my diagnosis wasn’t really focused on, my team of doctors seemed to focus on getting rid of the cancer and focus on the necessary treatment. I’ve spoken to other cancer patients who have said the same thing, it doesn’t seem to matter why you have cancer, it just matters that we get rid of it.
5. What helped you recover during and after treatment?
There are three things that helped me with treatment.
The first thing that I recommend to everyone going through treatment is water. Drink as much water as possible, especially during treatment. You are having poison put through your veins and the best way to cleanse your body is by drinking as much water as possible.
“The first thing that I recommend to everyone going through treatment is water. Drink as much water as possible, especially during treatment.”
The second is sleep. It is amazing how tired you can get from chemo. You need to sleep as much as possible. When you get tired, your body is telling you to sleep and it is your job to listen to it.
The last thing, but certainly the most important, was my family and friends. When you have cancer, everyone around you feels so helpless so when they can do something to help (do your laundry, cook some meals, paint your nails, etc.) it not only helps you out but it lets them help in an otherwise helpless situation.
So to summarize, drink lots of water, stay rested, and surround yourself with family and friends.
6. Were you able to meet other survivors your age and how important is the role of support during treatment?
When I was first diagnosed with breast cancer, I thought I was alone (you just don’t hear about women in their twenties having breast cancer). But, after 3 months, I started writing a blog for facingcancer.ca and found out about two other women only a couple of years older than me who had been diagnosed with breast cancer too. I have since met a handful of women who have had breast cancer in their twenties and thirties. You never hear about it but unfortunately, breast cancer has become a reality for many young women.
“Chemo can cause your mind to play some pretty mean tricks on you.”
The term ‘support’ carries a variety of meanings. I never went to a support group but had incredible support from my family and friends. To be honest, I think I would still be hiding under the covers with the lights turned off if it wasn’t for my support system. Chemo can cause your mind to play some pretty mean tricks on you; the psychological part of treatment is overwhelming and I was not prepared for it at all. I was reminded by one family member that it would all be a memory one day soon. I just kept reminding myself of that after every treatment and now it IS just a memory. Support is essential during treatment!
7. Did you wear a wig and why did you choose to do so?
I purchased a wig before my hair fell out. I wasn’t sure what I was going to do. I wanted to have it just in case there were days when I wanted to have hair but I never once wore it. I went through chemo in the middle of summer and it was just too hot. And, although I really liked the wig, I was confident enough not to wear one, so why suffer with the heat?
I wore my bald head around like a badge of honour. I wanted people to know that just because I have cancer doesn’t mean I am stuck in bed for the duration of treatment. I can go to the grocery store, take public transit, and go out for dinner just like every one else.
8. Would you like to share any experiences with wearing a wig?
I had a bright pink wig that I got within a few weeks of being diagnosed. I love the colour pink and it also happens to the colour of the breast cancer ribbon. Anyway, I wore the wig three time. The first time was at a benefit dance that my friends threw for me. By the end of the night, I had taken it off because it was so hot and so many of my friends tried it on throughout the night. It was nice to watch other people wear it because it seemed to bring everyone together that night. The second time was at a wedding. At that point in my treatment, I really stood out because I was completely bald so because I was going to stand out anyway, I might as well try to look good. I wore the pink wig throughout the ceremony, dinner and only took it off near the end of the dance. Lastly, I wore the wig to my final chemo appointment. Because I had worn it on two other joyous nights, why not wear it to my last chemo treatment too? I’m glad I did because all of my pictures from my last treatment day are of me with hair (even if it was bright pink).
9. How has breast cancer changed your outlook on life?
“I am still planning for the future however I think I’ve started living for the present which is something that I didn’t necessarily do prior my diagnosis.”
Well, at the cost of sounding too cliché, I think I have realized that life is so precious and that we are only on the earth for a finite number of years. I try to keep in mind that if today was the day I was supposed to die, that I made yesterday worth living. In other words, I am trying to enjoy the day to day small victories and the simple pleasantries in life. I am also trying not to pass up any opportunity that will make me a better person. I am still planning for the future however I think I’ve started living for the present which is something that I didn’t necessarily do prior my diagnosis. I was so worried about the next week, next month, and next year instead of focusing on right now. Cancer has taught me that there may not be a next week so make this week worth living.
10. Do you have any tips or advice for other breast cancer patients your age about to undergo the same thing?
Well, if I could tell a young woman who was just diagnosed anything it would be;
- You’re not alone, there are other young women with breast cancer who understand what you are going through.
- Don’t try to control what you can’t control. Cancer and treatment affect our body image, fertility, our hormones, our hair, etc. and instead of trying to control that, try to control your reaction to it. Surround yourself with good people and they will help you cope with the devastation.
- Allow yourself to have bad days. I don’t think anyone can get through a cancer diagnosis without some tears, and some anger, and some frustration but what I always said was, I have to go through this whether I want to or not so I might as well try to make it easier on myself by putting a smile on my face. I didn’t have very much control over anything once I was diagnosed with cancer so if my attitude is one of the few things I do have control over then I’m going to try to stay positive for as much of this journey as possible
- You have to learn to excuse other people sometimes because they aren’t aware of what they are saying. If someone says “Oh, it’s just hair, it will grow back” (which I was told many times), they are trying to make you feel better; what I wanted to say was “Oh, so you’re going to cut your hair off with me then?”. Many people have told me about someone close to them who has died from cancer while I was going through treatment as well. Many times people are trying to relate and instead end up offending you.
- Finally, although it may feel like cancer has become your life right now, remember that you are more than your diagnosis and you are more than cancer. Although your cancer diagnosis stays with you forever, a lot of this will be a memory one day.
My boyfriend is a pretty incredible man. From the day of diagnosis, he has been by my side and never once said he didn’t want to do this anymore or threatened to leave me. He was scared for me in the beginning but once we understood what needed to be done, we became a team. Only six days after my diagnosis, I came home and there was a gift bag on the kitchen table. It was a gift from him to me. I opened it and inside was a journal. He wanted me to write everything I couldn’t tell him in this journal and he promised never to read it. He assured me that he was always there for me, but if there was anything I couldn’t tell him, I could now write it down in this journal. I think if it wasn’t for him, I would have given up a long time ago. He was my strength when I was too weak.
All through treatment he was doing anything he could or that I asked him to to make me feel more comfortable. He came home early from work when I was sick, he took me to every doctor’s appointment and came to every one of my treatments. I didn’t have a choice in having cancer so I had to deal with it but he had a choice and he chose to stick by my side and be my strongest support through the hardest time of my life. He loved me with two breasts and now loves me with one. I actually think we are now closer than we were before I was diagnosed.
We’d like thank Katie for sharing her experience with us. Be sure to check her blog and daily posts on “The Bald and The Beautiful“.
You’re at work one day when someone whispers to you that a colleague of yours was recently diagnosed with breast cancer. How do you react? How do you approach the subject to show your support for what she’s going through? Or do you simply pretend everything’s normal so she doesn’t feel awkward?
A few weeks ago, I got asked this question by someone who’s colleague was recently diagnosed. Everyone in the workplace had heard about it but he wanted to do something. And as a guy, it wasn’t too easy to think of ways of approaching this sensitive issue. I provided a few suggestions based on what I’ve heard from other survivors I’d met with, but kept the question in my mind. How much can we really help someone in a professional setting?
I learned most about it from the latest survivor I met (who’s story I’ll be sharing in the coming weeks). Working in the highly-competitive environment of an ad agency, when she was diagnosed in 2005 she had no idea that her co-workers and boss would be so supportive. The people you see on a daily basis play a significant role in your life – whether they are friends, family or colleagues. Even more so when you’re going through a difficult phase in your life and need their support now more than ever. You’ll also come to see a whole other side of people in these trying times. Someone who you thought would react one way, would completely surprise you and act another way.
We underestimate the kindness in others, regardless of how serious or distant they seem in the workplace environment.
If you’re ever in a situation where a co-worker is diagnosed with breast cancer and you don’t know what to do, here are a few ideas:
1. The elephant in the room. Many times in Lebanon, breast cancer patients will do their best to minimize others finding out. It’s still very much taboo here and a big part of why they do it is because they don’t want looks of pity or to be treated differently from the rest. If she’s not talking about it but you notice something is different, be gentle. Ask her how she’s doing (generally) and see if she needs anything. This may take a few times before she opens up, but she’ll notice you’re genuinely interested in her condition and might share more.
2. At the watercooler. If people start talking about her condition behind her back, try your best to minimize the gossip – especially if she hasn’t made it public. Talk can be very hurtful and not many people here know how to deal with cancer so even their good intentions may not be interpreted as such. Instead, direct your energies as a group to plan ways you cheer her up and lessen the workload on her on days she’s not feeling too well.
3. It’s the little things. If you’re close to your co-worker, lend a shoulder when she needs to let it out, even if you have a crazy deadline. She needs your support now more than ever. Buy her flowers or cute little gifts to cheer her up. Keep finding little ways to show her you’re thinking about her.
4. Ask how she’s doing (and mean it). Oftentimes, she won’t want to talk about breast cancer or how she’s feeling especially if you’re not that close as co-workers, but be sure to ask her how she’s doing and provide any assistance if she needs it.
5. As a boss, your role is critical. Work is work, but she’s going to have days when she’s not feeling so well and needs to take time off. Chemotherapy has several side effects that truly makes it impossible for her to leave her bed. When you find out that she has breast cancer, talk to her in private about this and offer ways she can get the time off she needs during this period. Maybe her workload will need to be divided with another employee if she’s usually under a lot of pressure. Be sure however to ensure her that her position won’t be jeopardized during this period and show your understanding for what she’s going through. I’m sure you know someone who’s gone through a similar experience, so share that with her. Cancer puts us all on the same level.
6. Days off. There are going to be days she’ll be feeling well and others, not so much and will need to take the day off. Understand that it’s not something in her hands so facilitate by taking a load of her. If you’re on the same team, try to redistribute the work among other teammates during this period. Keep her involved though and don’t assume she won’t be able to do any work because of her state. On the contrary, work also helps take the mind off what she’s going through so don’t make her feel like she’s not needed or insist she take time off when she doesn’t need it.
7. The wig and beauty treatment. As a delicate subject and a big concern to a women about to undergo chemotherapy, one way you can help her (and this is directed to female co-workers in particular) is to take her somewhere to purchase a wig. This also depends on how open she’s been with you about her experience. Other ways to also help would be to treat her to a small makeover before she starts treatment to feel pretty and good about herself. Get one or two other co-workers with you and hop to the closest beauty salon during your lunch break.
8. Financial support. The woman who shared this insight with me couldn’t have been more grateful to her boss for the role he played in her treatment. Financially, she couldn’t afford all the hospital bills, but he went beyond the call of duty to cover all her bills and even sent her with some of her colleagues to buy a great-looking wig to wear before chemotherapy. If your co-worker is in a similar position, helping her financially by collecting some money from fellow co-workers or discussing it with your boss if she/he doesn’t know her state, would relieve a huge stress from her shoulders. Instead of worrying about how she’s going to pay this and this bill or not doing the full treatment she needs to do, she’ll focus on what needs to be done to kick cancer in the butt.
I hope I covered all the points, but if you have any suggestions, please share with me so I can update the list. Keep in mind most importantly to be kind and supportive during this difficult period. This too shall pass and she’ll be healthy in a few months. Trust me, she’ll appreciate it more than she might express.
ما بين أول وثاني شعر مستعار ارتديته، هناك قصة غير مروية عن واحد آخر. إنه الشعر المستعار الذي يشكل حلقة مفقودة في قصتي ولكنني لم أتذكر ذلك إلا مؤخراً. لا بد من أنني أتقدم في العمر!
وكانت الحلقة المفقودة، أو الشعر المستعار كما أحب أن أسميها، الثانية التي أرتديها. إن انتقاله من إمرأة إلى أخرى يخلق رابطاً بينهن. تشير إلى أول امرأة في هذا المشروع، صاحبة واجهة عرض الشعر المستعار، كمصدر إلهام لها، والتي أجابتها على هذه الكلمات بالضبط كالأتي:
“فكري في علاجك كمرحلة الحمل. إنها تسعة أشهر صعبة ومن ثم ينتهي كل العناء. الفرق الوحيد هو أنك بعد الحمل تحصلين على شيء جميل، ولكن العلاج الخاص بك، يساعدك على التخلص من أمر سيئ”.
وكان من المطمئن بالنسبة لها أن ترى صديقتها، التي واجهت الحالة عينها قبلها، بصحة سليمة مع كامل شعرها الذي ينمو بعد انتهاء العلاج. تعلقت بهذه الكلمات طوال مدة علاجها.
كانت هي أيضاً شابة على غرار السيدة الثالثة التي أخبرتكم عنها. خضعت في الـ35 من العمر لأول فحص شعاعي للثدي بموجب اقتراح من طبيبها. لا أحد كان يتوقع أن تكشف النتائج عن وجود السرطان في صدرها. وبعد 9 أشهر، تم علاجها تماماً كما قيل لها.
أشد ما أعجبني فيها هو أنها لم تدع السرطان يخفف من عزيمتها. لم تتغيب خلال العام الدراسي بأكمله (انها معلمة للغة العربية في مدرسة ثانوية)، سوى يومين فقط. إنه لأمر مدهش حقاً. وما جعله أكثر إدهاشاً أن انفتاحها بشأن ما كانت تمر به دفع جميع النساء في المدرسة للخضوع لفحص للثدي الشعاعي. واستطاعت امرأة على الكشف عن إصابتها بالسرطان وبدأت علاجاً مبكراً نتيجة لذلك.
إنها منفتحة جداً بخصوص تجربتها، خاصة بعد أن شهدت التأثير الإيجابي الذي أثارته لدى نساء أخريات حولها. ومنذ ذلك الحين، عاشت ثلاث نساء في المدرسة من الحالة نفسها، بالإضافة إلى أستاذ تم تشخيصه بسرطان البروستات. وتجدر الإشارة إلى أنهم يشيرون بشكل غير رسمي عن بعضهم البعض باسم “نادي السرطان” — ناد للناجين يدعمون من خلاله بعضهم البعض عن طريق الخبرات المشتركة.
تشارك بعض النصائح مع نساء أخريات اللواتي على وشك الخضوع لعلاج سرطان الثدي. نأمل أن تساهم كلماتها في تذكيرهن بأنهن لسن وحيدات وتحثهن على الاستمرار في الصمود:
1 – كل الأمور لها بدايتها ونهايتها. فكري في الأمر كأنه مرحلة الحمل كما فعلت أنا. سوف تعيشين الألم لبضعة أشهر، ولكن بعد ذلك كل شيء سيعود إلى طبيعته.
2 – حافظي على الإحساس بالحياة الطبيعية. لم أكن أريد لأطفالي أن يشعروا بان حياتهم تتغير لأنني كنت مريضة، لذلك لم أتوقف عن إيصالهم إلى أنشطتهم والذهاب إلى العمل.
3 – لا تدعي آراء أخرى تؤثر عليك. فالناس لا يزالون يعانون من نقص في المعرفة حول مرض السرطان. السرطان لا يعني الموت! تبلغ نسبتة معدل النجاة 90 في المئة، خاصة إذا لم ينتشر السرطان في الجسم.
4 – يجب أن تبقي معنوياتك مرتفعة. وإذا كان إيمانك قوياً فستننتصرين عليه.
5 – ثقي دائماً بحدسك. فإذا شعرت بأن هناك خطب ما وطبيبك يقول بأنه ليس بالأمر الخطير، إستشيري شخصاُ آخراً.
6 –إيمانك سيقويك. شعرت بأن علاقتي بالله تتعمق وبأنه كان يمسك يدي أثناء العلاج.
وبعد نجاتك بصحة وتوهج، الشيء الوحيد الذي يبقى هو الشعور بالقلق. للأسف لا بد لهذه التجربة أن تترك بصمته. وقالت: “القلق لا يختفي. هذا الشعور موجود دائماً. ستقلقين من أن شيئا سيئاً قد يحدث وأنك قد تصابين مجدداً”.
نحن نأمل بالتأكيد ألا يحدث ذلك، ونرفع صلاتنا لتبقى سليمة. أنا متأكدة من أنها كانت، وستبقى، مصدر إلهام لغيرها من النساء من حولها.
The missing link, or wig as I like to call it, was the second wig I wore. Something about being passed from one woman to the other creates a bond between them. She references the first woman in this project, the owner of the wig stand, as her inspiration and for these exact words she told her:
“Think of your treatment as a pregnancy. It’s nine months of difficulty and then you’re done. The only difference is that after pregnancy you end up with something beautiful but with your treatment, you get rid of something bad.”
It was reassuring for her to see her friend, who’d gone through the same thing before her, look healthy with all her hair growing back post-treatment. She clung onto these words throughout her treatment.
Like the third lady whose story I’ve shared, she was also young. At 35, she got her first mammogram at her doctor’s suggestion. No one was expecting the results to reveal cancer in her chest. 9 months later, just as she’d been told, her treatment was over.
One thing I admired most about her is that she never let cancer hold her down. Of the entire school year (she’s an Arabic teacher at a high-school), she only skipped two days. Two days during a 9-month treatment is truly amazing. And to top that off, her openness about what she was going through led to all the women in the school getting mammograms. One woman was able to detect her cancer and start early treatment as a result.
She’s very open about her experience, especially seeing the positive effect it had on other women around her. Three women at the school have since gone through the same thing, in addition to a male teacher who was diagnosed with prostate cancer. They informally refer to each other as the “Cancer Club” – a club of survivors that supports each other by shared experiences.
She shares some advice for other women about to go through breast cancer treatment. Hopefully her words will remind them that they are not alone and inspire them to keep on battling:
1- Everything begins and ends. Think of it like pregnancy as I did. You will go through pain for a few months, but then everything will return back to normal.
2- Keep your sense of normalcy. I didn’t want my children to feel like their lives were changing because I was sick, so I kept taking them to their activities and going to work.
3- Don’t let the opinions of other influence you. People still have a lack of knowledge about cancer. Cancer does not mean death! There’s a 90% survival rate, especially if the cancer hasn’t spread.
4- You have to keep your morale high. If you believe you will beat it, you will.
5- Always trust your instincts. If you feel something’s wrong but your doctor says it’s nothing, get a second opinion.
6- Your faith will strengthen you. I felt my connection to God grow and it felt like he was holding my hand during treatment.
As a healthy, glowing survivor, the only thing that remains is a sense of anxiety. The effect of such an experience is unfortunately bound to leave a mark. “The anxiety remains. There’s always that feeling. An anxiety that something bad might happen, that it might return,” she said.
We certainly hope not, and pray she stays healthy. I’m sure she is, and will continue to be, an inspiration to other women around her.